You're my little dorito
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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