Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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