You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
