he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
