is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
