If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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