I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
