She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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