So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
