Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
