I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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