woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
