apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
