Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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