I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was born a porn star she said
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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