How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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