if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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