I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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