where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
