You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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