I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
