I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
