I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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