I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize