Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
