hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
