So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
