i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
