wrigley field is MILF paradise
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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