Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
