if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
