my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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