Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
