I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize