My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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