Whatcha textin bout Willis?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my shit smells like andre
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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