You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
