I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize