6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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