Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
