but the lizard people decide everything anyway
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
