I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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