I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize