considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
