Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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