Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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