all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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