Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize