Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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