I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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