why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
