seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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