I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Randomize