I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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