i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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