I didn't shave. On purpose
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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