I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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